


5 Times Peter Made an Avenger Laugh Until They Cried

by marvelous_times



Series: Only this kid [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Avengers Family, Crack, Domestic Avengers, Endgame? What's that?, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Not Beta Read, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Whump, actually there's a bit more than a little whump, but that's in later chapters, well just a little
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelous_times/pseuds/marvelous_times
Summary: +1 time he desperately tried to but they were having none if it.Or, Peter wants to bond with the Avengers. He just didn't expect this bonding to happen with so much... laughter at his expense.It all starts with a simple walk with Sam and quite a few terrifying pigeons, but it doesn't end there. Soon enough Peter finds himself planning pranks that go devastatingly wrong and end up with him either horribly embarrassed, covered in cake batter, or both.Ah, well, all in the name of family and laughter, right?
Relationships: Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Michelle Jones, Peter Parker & Ned Leeds, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker/Michelle Jones
Series: Only this kid [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056632
Comments: 239
Kudos: 294





	1. Of Falcons and Pigeons

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy :)  
> This takes place after '5 Times Peter Went to Extremes to Keep His Identity Hidden', but you don't haaaave to read it before this one. Although I would appreciate it :)  
> Rated Teen for language
> 
> I own none of the characters (yet...)

“I hate my life,” Peter said, his voice muffled by the couch cushion that he’d slammed his face into. “Why do all of my teachers assign SO. MUCH. USELESS. HOMEWORK?” The teenager lazily pushed his three textbooks off of the couch, each of them landing on the floor with a loud  _ thump _ . Peter groaned dramatically. “I want to die.” He then rolled off of the couch (to properly demonstrate his annoyance, of course) and landed besides his textbooks, only to look up and see the semi-concerned face of Sam Wilson, aka The Falcon, staring back at him. 

Peter squeaked in horror. “Sorry Mr. Wilson!” the teenager yelped as he frantically picked up his textbooks. “I, uh, sorry! Just got bored of my homework!”

Sam looked skeptical. “Uh-huh,” he replied. After inspecting the loads of homework that Peter had bundled together, the man whistled appreciatively. “Damn, kid, that’s a lot of work. Maybe you should take a break or something.”

Peter shook his head vigorously. “No, sorry, gotta finish this!” he replied quickly. 

“Yeah, no,” Sam replied, pulling the materials away from the teenager, who offered little resistance. “You need a break. And some fresh air. Let’s go for a walk.” 

“Ok, uh, sure,” Peter answered as he let Sam lead him towards the door. “Just, uh, going on a walk with an Avenger! No big deal!”

Sam shook his head in bemusement. “You’re kinda weird, kid,” he told Peter, who just rolled his eyes in response. 

Honestly, though, Peter was quite surprised. Once Sam had discovered Peter’s identity, he’d been anything but supportive, instead loudly criticizing Tony for endangering a 14-year-old and then allowing him to continue living his dangerous vigilante lifestyle. Peter thought it was quite an overreaction, honestly. 

Sam was quiet for a few minutes as they exited the Tower and walked through the streets of Brooklyn. Peter chattered a bit, relaxing in the fresh air, but Sam didn’t speak up (besides commenting, “you talk way too much, kid,”) until Peter pointed out a falcon that was circling above them. 

“Hey, look, Mr. Wilson! A peregrine falcon! And a pigeon! It’s like that episode of Wild Kratts!”

“First of all, call me Sam. And second of all, they gave the pigeons  _ way too much _ credit in that episode. Pigeons are stupid.”

Peter took a moment to marvel in the fact that Sam watched Wild Kratts before replying. “Pigeons aren’t stupid. They’re actually really, really intelligent-”

“-yeah, sure,” Sam replied. He tossed Peter a pack of crackers. “Snack time. I’m going to grab a soda. I’ll be right back.” 

Peter huffed in annoyance. “I’m not five!” he yelled at Sam’s retreating figure before reluctantly opening the package and eating a couple crackers. He plopped down on a bench and closed his eyes happily, savoring the sunshine. When he opened his eyes again, he found himself face to face with a pigeon.

The teenager smiled. “Hello, Mr. Pigeon!” he chirped, scattering a few crumbs on the floor for the pigeon to eat. The number of birds around Peter slowly increased until Peter realized he was out of crackers and surrounded by a literal flock of pigeons.

Peter froze. “Uh… sorry guys, out of food?” he tried. The birds didn’t budge.

That’s where Sam found Peter a few minutes later. The boy was curled up into a ball, completely frozen, being stared down by what looked like hundreds of pigeons.

Sam stopped a few feet away from the group. “How’s it going? You having a good time?”

“Y-yeah!” Peter forced out through gritted teeth. “So much fun. With my… remarkably intelligent friends.” 

“Uh-huh, sure,” the older man said amusedly. “Well, I gotta head back to the Tower, so…” he trailed off meaningfully.

Peter nodded slowly. “Yeah. Right,” he squeaked. “Uhm…” he glanced helplessly at Sam before slowly standing up. Hundreds of beady eyes followed his every move. Peter raised his eyebrows pleadingly.

Sam shook his head. “No way am I messing with all those pigeons. They’re weird little shits.”

The teenager huffed. “Fine. I’m not a wimp. Plus, they’re not weird. They’re, uh, really smart.” He stepped forward and waved at the pigeons. “Bye, pigeons!” Peter nudged a few of them away with his foot. “Seriously. Leave.” He sighed, then clapped his hands and spoke loudly. “Shoo!”

The pigeons  _ finally _ got the hint and started to fly away, and Peter looked immensely relieved. “Thank God that is ove-” Peter began, but stopped suddenly in horror. 

_ Splat. _

_ Splat. _

Peter glanced down at the white stain on his pant leg and on his shoulder. Sam was watching him with wide eyes. “Did that pigeon just-”

“Nope!” Peter lied quite obviously. “Nope! Nothing to see! Just me stand-”

_ Splat _ .

To add insult to injury, a third piece of pigeon poop landed onto Peter’s head. The teenager just sighed. 

“I still think they’re smart birds,” he said miserably. 

Sam started laughing and within seconds was completely doubled over, clutching his stomach. “It’s not funny,” Peter grumbled, but that only fueled Sam’s hysterical laughter. He couldn’t stop, and was soon on the ground, wheezing and wiping literal tears off of his face. Peter just stuck his tongue out and crossed his arms. “I’m going to go take a shower,” he said as he pouted. “Meet you at the Tower.”

Sam managed to force himself to his feet and jog after the teenager, gasping with laughter all the way back to the Tower. Once they got back, Peter took a long shower and finally returned to the couch where he was doing his homework.

“Well, at least the day can’t really get any worse,” Peter commented to nobody in particular. English homework didn’t seem nearly as bad compared to getting shit on by a pigeon three times.

Or so he thought.

About forty minutes later, he heard Steve talking to Sam and Rhodey as they entered the common room. “You know, I finally spent some free time on the Internet, like you guys suggested. In fact, I looked up New York’s own Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man and you won’t believe the video I found…”

Peter’s head snapped up and he opened his mouth to distract the adults, but it was too late. Sam and Rhodey turned toward Peter with barely contained glee in their faces. 

“Tony’s going to die when he hears about, uh, Terry the Tiger, was it?” Rhodey teased.

Peter glared at Steve, who shrugged unabashedly. 

This… this was the utter betrayal.

This meant war. 


	2. It's Battering Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! I wrote this after three hours of sleep and I'm so very sleep deprived (yay high school!) so if this is really terrible please don't hate me! But yeah... thanks for reading!

“This is bad. Oh, this is so, so,  _ so _ bad.”

Peter put his head in his hands and sighed dramatically. Steve had stooped lower than low and exposed the videos of him fighting as Terry the Tiger just to make himself look cooler. That man may have pretended to be righteous and full of morals, but Peter now knew that deep down, he was an evil… jerk. 

Mr. Stark was going to die of laughter when he saw those videos. Oh, Peter was  _ never _ going to hear the end of it. The teenager sighed and banged his head repeatedly against the wall. “Think, think, think,” he muttered. There was no way that he could stop Mr. Stark from seeing them… unless he hacked into FRIDAY, used FRIDAY to hack whatever idiot posted the video, and then found a way to contact a magician and have them brain wipe the Avengers…

Nope. Not enough time.

So instead, Peter was going to have to get revenge on Steve. He was just going to have to expose Steve for the terrible man he really was. 

Peter heard faint voices that were rapidly growing louder, and he leapt to his feet. Oh no. That was Mr. Stark and Steve! 

The two men barged through the doors and Peter opened his mouth to deflect and distract but snapped his jaw shut when he realized the two men were having a heated discussion.

“Capsicle, I don’t care. I know T’Challa says he’s better but- I don’t-”

“Tony, come on. It wasn’t his fault-”

The billionaire let out a weird noise, a mixture of a growl and a sigh. “ _ I know _ , I know it wasn’t his fault, okay? I just don’t know if I want h-”

“Look, Tony, I don’t have any say in this. If the government says we have to have Bucky here, then we’ll have Bucky here. And I know…” the soldier took a deep breath. “He’s my friend, but, well, you guys are too and-”

“You know what? It’s fine,” Tony cut in. “Just… try and keep him away from the k- Peter!”

“Uh, hi,” Peter said sheepishly, turning red as Steve whirled to face him. “So. Mr. Barnes is coming here?!? To the Tower???”

Tony shot a look at Steve. “Yeah, he is,” Tony replied. “Don’t bother him, okay, kid?”

“Oh, I won’t!” Peter promised eagerly.

“Good,” the billionaire replied. He let out a long sigh. “Well, I have to go, Pepper’s riding my ass about another shareholders meeting-”

“Tony! Language!” Steve hissed subconsciously. His eyes widened when he realized what he’d said. “Um… continue.”

Tony raised an eyebrow but managed to restrain himself from teasing the super soldier. “Yes, sir. I’ll see you later kid, okay? We can spend some time in the lab once I’m done. Hopefully it won’t take more than a couple hours.” The man narrowed his eyes and looked sternly at Peter. “And don’t blow anything up or get shot while I’m gone.”

“I won’t, I won’t,” Peter promised hurriedly. “Bye, Mr. Stark!”

After the billionaire left, Peter whipped around to face Steve. “And goodbye, CAPtain America,” Peter hissed. 

As he walked away, Steve called, “Can I start calling you Tiger-Man now?”

_ Oh, he’s going to pay _ .

……………………….

Steve had to leave to go pick someone up or something (Peter wasn’t exactly sure), so he started putting his master plan into effect. He snagged several bottles of glitter and enlisted Dum-E, U, and Butterfingers to spray then on his signal. He then coordinated with FRIDAY and made sure that she was recording the whole scene. 

Peter’s absolutely brilliant plan: hang from the ceiling in wait for Steve. When Steve entered  _ with another person _ (the extra humiliation was completely necessary), Peter would spring down and scare the Captain to death. As he leapt down, Dum-E, U, and Butterfingers would completely cover him in glitter and Friday would catch the entire scene on camera. It would then be edited perfectly so viewers could fully enjoy the sight of Mr. Captain America screaming in slow motion. 

Steve had been gone for quite a while, so Peter crawled up to his chosen prank destination- the common room- and hung from a thin strand of webbing. He was SO READY to yeet down there and scare the shit out of Steve.

A few minutes passed, and Peter could swear that he heard distant noises. It was a faint clanging that sort of sounded like… dishes?

The teenager held his breath and strained his hearing as hard as he could. There! Faint footsteps were slowly growing louder and so were the voices that accompanied them. It sounded like… yes, it was Steve! And he was with another person!

Peter grinned and loosened his grip on his webbing. This was the perfect opportunity. He couldn’t quite tell who Steve was with, though. It was a deeper, almost gravelly voice that Peter only faintly recalled hearing.

Well, it didn’t matter who it was, as long as Steve was thoroughly humiliated. The pair was getting closer and closer, and Peter was starting to pick up snippets of conversation. 

“-you sure Tony won’t be mad?”

They were so close… Peter started counting down. 3…

“Yeah, you bake a killer cake. Nobody could be mad after a slice of your signature double-fudge-”

The two men were feet away from entering. 2…

“Hopefully you’re right,” the other man sighed. 1…

The pair stepped into the room and Peter’s eyes widened. Wait. Was that…

In that one distracted moment, Peter’s hands slipped and the teenager plummeted toward the floor. “AaaaAAA-!”

Steve looked up to see a screaming, red blur plummeting towards him. He yelped in surprise and could only watch as the vigilante landed right on the massive bowl of cake batter that he was holding in his arms. The two of them ended up sprawled on the ground and soaked in cake batter.

“What the h-” Bucky began, but was cut off by the sound of a loud foghorn as Dum-E, U, and Butterfingers sprayed glitter all over the two bodies that were tangled on the ground. Bucky stared, wide-eyed, as Steve leapt up and leaned over the smaller body.

Peter groaned. “Uhm… yeet?” he said weakly. 

Bucky had never seen his friend look so absolutely confused. As he took in the sight of Steve and this kid- the one from Germany?- completely soaked in cake batter and covered in glitter, Bucky started to laugh. What first was a small giggle escalated to unstoppable bouts of laughter that shook his entire body and forced tears out of his eyes. He bent over in a vain attempt to ease the pain in his body from laughing so damn hard.

That’s where Tony found them about five minutes later. Steve was still in shock, Peter was sprawled on the ground, and Bucky was laughing so hard there were tears streaming down his face. And there was cake batter and glitter EVERYWHERE.

“What the hell is going on here?” Tony shouted. “Is that- is that CAKE BATTER on the multi-million dollar suit I made you?”

Peter groaned and forced himself up. “Ummhmmhmmhmh…” he said slowly. “Maybe?”

Tony put his head in his hands. “Do I even want to know what happened?” he groaned. “Are you hurt?”

The teenager pushed himself to his feet. “Nope, I’m good!” he chirped, then added solemnly, “but my pride has been broken beyond repair.”

Those words set off another round of intense laughter from Bucky, and Tony jumped as if he was just noticing the man.

“Oh. Mr. Barnes,” the billionaire said somewhat frostily.

Bucky hiccuped and forced himself to stand up straight. “Mr. Stark,” he said seriously. “Thank you for letting me stay at the Tower. I’m, uh, I was trying to make you a thank you cake,” the man mumbled. “But… I’ll just get out of your way,” Bucky concluded respectfully. He knew Stark still hadn’t forgiven him, and he didn’t blame the man for feeling that way.

He started walking away when Tony’s voice stopped him in his tracks. “Where do you think you’re going?”

Bucky froze and turned slowly to face the billionaire. To his surprise, Tony had what could be described as an almost-friendly expression on his face. After clearing his throat uncomfortably, Tony continued. “I mean, somebody’s gotta help clean up this mess. And you owe me a chocolate cake.”

Bucky nodded silently, recognizing Tony’s words as a peace offering of sorts. “Will do,” he responded gruffly. “And… thanks.”

Tony just nodded and turned towards Peter. “I’m assuming I can safely deduce that this is your fault?”

Peter shuffled his feet awkwardly. “Um… maybe?”

“Then you’re cleaning this up too,” Tony said sternly. “Meet me in the lab once you finish.”

“Okay, Mr. Stark!” Peter chirped.

Bucky turned to Steve, utterly confused. 

“Stark has a kid?!?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all!!!!


	3. Cardboard Cap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the disaster which could only be referred to as The Cake Batter Incident, Peter knew he had to step up his game.  
> Problem was, he didn’t know how to do that.  
> So yes, he was a bit frustrated, maybe even angry, at Steve. And this meant that when Natasha offered to teach him how to throw knives at a target of his choice, Peter got a little overexcited.  
> Enter: Cardboard Captain America

After the disaster which could only be referred to as The Cake Batter Incident, Peter knew he had to step up his game.

Problem was, he didn’t know _how_ to do that.

So yes, he was a bit frustrated, maybe even angry, at Steve. And this meant that when Natasha offered to teach him how to throw knives at a target of his choice, Peter got a little overexcited. 

“I… thought you were going to print a picture of a villain or… something…” Natahsa said, hesitant for the first time Peter had ever seen. Her face had even shown a twitch of emotion (shock? horror?) when Peter dragged out a life-size cardboard cutout of Steve and announced it to be his target. 

“Oh, I did,” Peter growled. “CaPtAin AmEriCa isn’t as good and righteous as Mr. Good and Righteous himself claims to be.” 

Natasha raised an eyebrow skeptically. “What the hell was that voice? And-”

“-I’m afraid it’s more complicated than you’ll ever understand, Nat,” Peter cut in, not unkindly. “It’s a hatred that runs deep within my veins, a feeling that reaches down to the depths of my very soul, a dark-”

“Okay, okay, I get it, drama queen,” the assassin said. “It’s Steve 1, Peter 0, and you’re mad about it. Or Steve 0, Peter -1, if you take The Cake Batter Incident into account.”

“Good thing we don’t,” Peter muttered, then turned his big brown eyes to Natasha. “Can we start now? Show me how to knife-throw!”

“Okay, маленький паук,” Natasha said affectionately before turning serious. “First thing to know…” she began, and spent the next hour teaching Peter the basics of knife throwing. The teenager picked it up surprisingly quickly, and soon they were practicing on small targets to get the motion down even better. 

“Can I practice on a big target now?” Peter asked excitedly.

Natasha shrugged. “Sure. Remember what we discussed- aim for the best obstruction points if you’re not aiming to kill.”

“Yep, the shoulder or the hip,” Peter recited to the woman. He positioned his Captain America (the asshole) target and lined himself up perfectly. Peter could hear footsteps approaching the training room, but he ignored them. 

“Straighten up, no floppy follow-through,” Natasha reminded Peter.

“Yeah, yes, okay,” the teenager replied. He pulled his arm back and sent the knife flying through the air.

_SHINK!_

The knife embedded itself nice and straight in the target, but in a slightly… unorthodox spot. 

“Whoops,” Peter said sheepishly as he analyzed his throw. “I was aiming for the hip…”

At that moment, the doors to the training room opened, revealing Captain America himself standing at the door. “Hey, Nat, I wanted to…” Steve trailed off in horror as he took in the life-size cutout of himself with a knife sticking out of his, erm, private parts. 

As an odd, strangled sound came out of Steve’s throat, Peter felt his face flame up in embarrassment. “Mr. Steve, uh, I, well, um, w-we were, uh…” the teenager trailed off.

Natasha started laughing and she couldn’t stop. The assassin was doubled over, one hand clutching her stomach and the other propping her up against the wall. Peter was speechless; he’d never seen Natasha do anything more than smile or let out a small chuckle, let alone laugh hysterically like this. When Natasha stood up, Peter was stunned to see literal tears of laughter trailing down the side of the woman’s face. 

Natasha managed to stand up and take a few deep breaths but broke down again as Steve made another strangled choking noise and Peter somehow managed to turn even redder. After a few minutes of those two standing in stunned silence, Natasha managed to collect herself and stand up. 

“That-” she snorted “-was one of the best things I have EVER witnessed. FRIDAY, please tell me you got a recording of that?”

“ **Yes, Ms. Romanov, I did,”** the AI replied, a touch of humor somehow coloring her voice. **“Would you like me to send it to Mr. Stark?”**

“Yes, do that,” Natasha managed. “God, Steve, your face-”

Right as Steve opened his mouth to reply, an alarm echoed through the Tower. **“The Avengers have been requested near Fort Hamilton to neutralize a group of destructive alien life-forms,”** FRIDAY said calmly. **“Suit up and meet up at the Quinjet, which will drop you off at your destination. Government authorities have requested that civilians are led away from the area and the Avengers work to prevent infrastructure damage to the bridges in that area.”**

As Natasha and Steve snapped to attention and ran to grab their costumes, FRIDAY’s voice sounded just in the training room. **“Peter, Mr. Stark has told me to tell you to stay in the Tower. The full destructive capabilities and powers of the alien life forms remain unknown, and it is too dangerous for you.”**

Peter opened his mouth to argue, then thought better of it. “Okay, FRIDAY, I will,” he lied perfectly. “I’ll just head up to my room, okay?”

After hastily wishing the Avengers good luck and sprinting up to his room, Peter threw on his suit and tried to open the window.

 **“Boss requested that you stay here, Peter,”** FRIDAY said firmly. 

“Open the window, please, FRIDAY,” Peter requested. When the AI refused, the teenager sighed. “I’m going to break open this window if you don’t,” the boy threatened. “Besides, Mr. Stark won’t mind if I’m helping civilians! I’ll stay far away from the main action. Come on, FRIDAY!” Peter pleaded. He was desperately hoping that the AI would open the window for him; if not, Peter would either have to try and break the reinforced glass or he’d have to hack FRIDAY.

Luckily, the AI relented and the window slid open. “Thanks, FRI!” Peter said as he leapt out the window. 

As he was swinging towards the battle, Peter decided to see what he could learn about the aliens first. “Karen, what do we know about the aliens?”

**“Origin is unknown. They’re about the size of an adult male human and appear to have the ability to excrete a substance that explodes approximately eighteen seconds after it has been released. They also appear to have augmented strength and speed.”**

“That is SO COOL!” Peter yelled as he swung closer to the commotion. “Okay, civilian scan?”

 **“There are seventeen civilians trapped in a collapsed building near the fight,”** Karen supplied. **“The Avengers are focused on keeping the creatures away from the bridge and the civilians on it, so nobody has been able to reach the trapped civilians.”**

“Sounds like a job for me, then,” Peter grinned. Karen directed him towards the correct building and he dove inside.

 **“Peter, the building is structurally unstable,”** Karen warned. **“There’s also a fire on the right side of the building that is quickly spreading and approaching the civilians here. If they’re still stuck here when the fire arrives the chance of survival will be low.”**

“Okay, okay, okay,” Peter muttered before raising his voice above the cacophony of distressed sounds. “Everybody listen up! I’m gonna get you guys out of here, you just have to listen to me!”

Right as he said that, the entrance Peter had crawled through collapsed and the building let out a horrible groaning noise. The teenager leapt into action, webbing some areas to provide temporary support and raising his voice once more.

“I’m going to lift this collapsed area over here, but I need you guys to run out as soon as I can get an opening, okay? Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine, I’ll get you all out,” Peter promised, stiffening as the smell of smoke grew stronger. 

He clenched his jaw and groaned as he struggled to lift the massive slab of concrete that was blocking their ideal exit. He had to be careful because the piece he was holding was still supporting a large majority of the building’s weight. As soon as Peter managed to bring it above his shoulders, he gasped, “Go, hurry! Come on!”

The smoke was dense and heavy by the time what looked to be the final civilian exited the building. Peter coughed and asked, “Karen, is that everyo-”

He stopped when he heard a weak cry and located it’s source. A young girl had tripped and had gotten stuck between pieces of concrete. 

Peter shifted the weight so it was resting on only one of his shoulders which gave his other arm more movement. He managed to web one of the pieces of concrete and tear it away from the girl, giving her just enough freedom to wiggle out and escape. This movement, however, caused the building to shift even more and Peter let out a yelp as, due to his awkward angle, the weight of the concrete caused his left shoulder to dislocate painfully. Groaning, he barely managed to force the weight a bit higher and dive out of the building, shielding the little girl as pieces of rubble and glass rained down upon them. 

As Peter staggered to his feet and waved at the crowd he’d saved, a voice cut into his ear. “Kid, why the hell does it say that you’ve just dislocated your shoulder in the suit?”

“Umm…” Peter hesitated, “because... yes! Karen, end call!”

“Don’t-”

 **“Call with Mr. Stark has been ended,”** Karen said reproachfully. 

“He’s going to kill me for that, isn’t he,” Peter sighed. 

The teenager ran from building to building, managing to help civilians escape even with only one working arm. As he got closer to the center of the battle, he started running into different Avengers. 

“What the hell is Spider-Kid doing here?” Sam yelled as he flew past Peter, shaking off an alien that had been clinging to him. 

“Careful, Peter,” Natasha warned as they took down another alien. “Stark’s been ranting on the comms about how you keep on hanging up on him.”

“Well, I gotta focus on whatever these ugly things are,” Peter responded as he flipped around an alien, ignoring the jolt of pain in his left shoulder. The teenager dodged as the alien shot a stream of foul-smelling liquid at Peter. “Ever heard of brushing your teeth?” Peter quipped. He leapt to the side as the liquid behind him exploded violently. “I guess you couldn’t really brush, could you,” he said thoughtfully. “You’d just explode your toothbrush. Huh. I wond- LOOK OUT!”

Peter dove and tackled Natasha as the creature that had crept up behind her sprayed the explosive substance everywhere. Both of them managed to avoid getting hit but were thrown through the air by the subsequent explosion. Peter yelped as his landing jarred his dislocated left shoulder and his vision whited out with pain as a sharp piece of glass left an extremely deep gash across his right thigh. 

Nat groaned and sat up slowly as a particularly massive alien approached the pair. She reached for a gun but found nothing. Right as the alien opened its mouth to spray her, a knife flew through the air and embedded itself smack in the middle of the figure’s groin. Apparently these aliens were sensitive there as well, because the creature let out an odd howling noise and collapsed to the ground. 

Peter managed to stagger over to the alien and web it up, tossing (him?) far enough from the pair so they could recover. “I would say that was pretty badass, but mostly I just feel bad,” Peter admitted, his voice tight with pain. “You’d be surprised how many women have kneed me in my, er, sensitive spot after I’ve saved them from a mugging, but I can’t even imagine what it’d feel like to be knifed there.” 

Natasha quickly assessed herself for injuries and, when she found nothing major, turned to Peter. “Sit down,” she hissed as she took in his shaking legs and stumbling walk. 

“No, I’m fine,” the teenager insisted weakly, before collapsing besides the assassin. 

“Spider-Man is down, he’s sustained multiple injuries including a deep laceration on his leg,” Natasha said as she saw the blood pooling from the teenager’s thigh. “I’m applying pressure but I think we’ll need to get him to the Tower as soon as possible.” 

“ _What?_ ” Tony yelled, horrified. "FRIDAY, patch me in to Karen. Scratch that, push a call through to Peter instead."

"Um, 'm fine, Mr. Stark" Peter muttered from the ground before passing out. 

"Kid? Peter?"

"He's fine for now, don't worry," Natasha said as she ripped a piece of cloth from her suit to hold on Peter's wound. "But we need to get him to the MedBay soon."

Steve punched one last alien before responding. “That was the last one,” he grunted as the creature collapsed. “Vision, Wanda, are you two good doing one last sweep and gathering all the bodies?” When the pair agreed, Steve ran over to where Peter, Natasha, and Tony were gathered.

The teenager had woken up and was panting and groaning as Nat applied pressure to his cut. Tony was leaning over him and had raised the faceplate of his armor so the teenager could see his face.

“Jesus, kid,” the billionaire said frantically, “I told you to stay in the Tower! What the hell were you thinking?” he said, trying to come off as angry but failing and instead sounding like a concerned parent. 

“S- OW, ugh, sorry Mr. Stark,” Peter groaned. “But people were going to die and-”

“-and _you_ could’ve died saving them,” Tony replied angrily. “I swear to God- you know what, you’re grounded.”

“Can you even do that?” Peter asked curiously, hissing as he tried to sit up.

“Of course I can. I’m Tony Stark, and _stay down_ , kid,” Tony replied as he gently forced the teenager back down. “I can do anything I want.”

The eyes of the Spider-Man suit narrowed as Peter glared at Tony. “I’m sure Pepper would say otherwise,” he replied sweetly. 

Tony pointed warningly at Peter. “Don’t even think about it,” he threatened. When Peter laughed then stopped abruptly, wincing in pain, Tony exchanged a worried look with Natasha. “You good, kid?”

“Yeah, ‘m fine, just think I broke a rib or two,” Peter replied lightly. 

When FRIDAY’s scan reported that he had, in fact, broken five ribs and fractured three others, Tony shook his head. “God, you’re the reason I’m going grey,” the billionaire muttered, then softened as he looked at the fragile form on the ground. “But good work, k- Peter. Let’s get you to the MedBay.”

After carefully helping Peter into the Quinjet (to where, of course, he insisted walking himself because he only had “a few small injuries, Mr. Stark” but ended up practically being carried by Tony), they prepared for takeoff. 

Peter groaned as the movements jarred his shoulder and ribs, and Tony looked up at the teenager. “We’ll be there in a few minutes, okay?”

Steve walked over to the pair and sat down next to them, fixing a disappointed stare on Peter. “So…” he began his ‘you should be more responsible and careful’ speech but was interrupted by a loud groan from Peter.

“What’s wrong?” Tony leapt to his feet. 

“So you disobeyed orders and left the Tower,” Peter droned in a mock-impression of Steve. “I’ve heard then all, Captain America sir. I don’t need an in-person demonstration.”

Steve blanched and Tony looked confused. “You’ve heard what?”

“So you got detention,” Peter began. “So you’ve started puberty. So you failed a test. So you've gotten an STD. So you-”

“What the hell is he talking about?” Tony asked, his confusion only increasing as he saw how pale Steve was. When nobody answered, he turned toward the teenager. "Peter, what the literal fucking hell are you talking about?" The billionaire knew something was up when Steve didn't even tell him to watch his language. 

Peter giggled as the realization dawned. “You don’t know?” he said joyfully. “You don’t know about-”

Steve jumped to his feet. “I think Peter must’ve hit his head,” he said loudly, obviously changing the subject. “Oh, look! We’re at the Tower! _Somebody knock him out!_ ”

The teenager laughed and laughed all the way to the MedBay. Peter finally knew how he was going to get back at Steve. 

Oh, this was going to be _so good_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh ok I'm sorry that this one took longer to post! I'm probably going to be a teensy bit slower in updating this fic because I'm going to alternate between this and my Peter Parker One-Shot fit ( _Peter Parker's Crazy Life (one-shot request fic)_ ). So... yeah. Sorry! Thank you so much for reading, please leave a kudos if you enjoyed the fic and pleaaaaase leave comments cuz they make me happy sooooo yeah :))


	4. Steve Gets ExPOSED!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally has the face the consequences of his actions. Enter: Avenger's movie night and PSA's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH OK so the first fic in this series hit 600 kudos and passed 10,000 hits! Thank you so much all of you wonderful readers I love all of you guys! I cannot even put into words how much your support means to me :)
> 
> Note: I don't own any of the characters of franchises.  
> Yet.

“I’d like to welcome you all to the special movie night I’ve prepared,” Peter said grandly as he hobbled across the Avengers’ living room. It was the day after the alien attack and he’d healed enough to be cleared to walk around on his own. 

Steve groaned and put his head in his hands. He wasn’t stupid; no, Steve knew exactly what Peter was going to do. He’d tried to beg out and convince the Avengers to  _ not _ let Peter run their movie night but, unfortunately, he’d been outvoted and forced to come by Natasha. 

“Our first video of the night,” the teenager continued, a wicked grin on his face, “is one of my personal favorites. I’d like to introduce you to the Captain America Tooth Decay PSA.”

“What the hell?” Sam breathed as the lights darkened and the screen lit up to show Steve in his old Captain America suit. 

“Hi, I’m Captain America, and I’m here to talk to you about one of the toughest enemies I’ve ever faced: tooth decay.”

“Oh my God,” Steve groaned as Tony whispered, “Holy. Fucking. Shit.”

The team watched in awe as Steve taught them how to properly brush their teeth, finally ending with a forced, “Trust me, fighting tooth decay is just as important as fighting Nazi’s and terrorists.”

As the video darkened and a voice narrated “ _ This has been a public service announcement… _ ”, Clint spoke up.

“That was one of the most wonderful things my eyes have ever been given the chance to see,” he said reverently. “Thank you, Peter, for taking us on this beautiful journey-”

“Oh, this is just the start,” Peter said, a glint in his eye. They watched  _ all _ of Steve’s PSA’s, from the healthy eating PSA to the pregnancy one. By the time they reached the PSA on STDs, Clint, Tony, and Sam were rolling on the ground, crying tears of laughter. Natasha was watching with an amused smile, and Wanda was giggling and trying her best to hide it.

Bucky patted Steve on the back. “If it makes you feel better, that uniform makes your ass look weirdly good,” the man said. As Steve choked and buried his head in his hands, Clint spoke up in agreement. “Yeah, Cap, that sure is America’s Ass.”

Tony laughed and laughed, finally forcing himself to sit up and take a few deep breaths. “Good God, Steve, I knew you were patriotic, but this? Really? I’ve forgotten,” he let out a hiccup of barely compressed laughter, “how much of America’s poster boy you really are.”

“He  _ is _ born on the 4th of July,” Peter pointed out.

Steve sighed once again before saying, with a perfect poker face, “Long live the democracy. ‘Murica.”

This started a whole new wave of laughter, and Steve finally relaxed and accepted defeat. “I guess this is appropriate revenge for Terry the Tiger,” the supersoldier admitted grudgingly. 

Peter grinned. It was finally tied up. Peter: 1. Steve: 1. He’d go for the dub soon enough, but the teenager could finally relax. 

“Well, now that we’ve finished that, let’s watch a movie!” Peter said excitedly. “And no, don’t worry, I’ve branched out from Star Wars for tonight’s movie. Tonight, we’re watching Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol because I think Agent Brandt looks a lot like Clint and-”

“That’s because it  _ is _ Clint,” Natasha cut in.

They were all silent for a moment.

“Uh, what?” Peter asked, confused.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that mission,” Clint said, squinting slightly at the screen. “I had to go undercover in Hollywood- which happens quite frequently, actually, you wouldn’t believe how dark the movie industry is- and they ended up casting me as William Brandt in that movie.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “I was such an amazing actor that they called me back for the next couple MI movies.”

“He’s joking, right?” Tony said, looking at Natasha. 

The red-haired assassin shook her head. “Nope. It’s true. Clint was operating under the alias Jeremy Renner to discover some backhanded deal and ended up getting casted.”

“Yeah, they liked that I already could do hand-to-hand combat,” the archer added helpfully. “Plus, I wasn’t nearly as well known because it was before New York and before I became an Avenger. And I made a pretty decent amount, so-”

“Ohmygodthat’ssocool!” Peter breathed. “You got to meet Tom Cruise! Oh my- that’s SO COOL! Is he, like super intense? Or is he chill?”

“Tom’s an interesting one, that’s for sure,” Clint said, grinning. “But I like him. He’s fun. The man’s got good hair. I’ll have to introduce you some time.” 

Peter’s eyes widened comically. “That- wow, that would be amazing!” he breathed, turning to Tony. “Mr. Stark! Clint said he’s going to introduce me to Tom Cruise!”

“Yeah, I have ears,” his mentor responded wryly. “Besides, Tom Cruise is no big deal. I can introduce you to  _ way _ cooler people.”

Peter squeaked in protest. “Who’d be cooler than literal Tom Cruise?” the teenager shot back.

“What about…” Tony tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Mark Hamill? Harrison Ford? Ewan McGregor? Daisy Ridley? Literally any Star Wars actor that’s still alive?”

Somehow, Peter’s eyes grew even larger. “Mr. Stark!” he said, “I- Wh- H-”

“I think you broke the kid,” Sam commented as Peter struggled to form a coherent sentence. After they finally got the teenager calmed down, Clint spoke up mischievously.

“You know, I’m not the only person here who went undercover in Hollywood.”

Natasha fixed the archer with a cold glare but didn’t say anything.

“Really? Who else did?” Peter asked innocently.

“Natasha did,” the archer answered, smirking.

“You did?” Tony asked skeptically. “For what movie?”

“I’d watch what you say if I was you, Clint,” Natasha said coldly. 

Not one to be easily deterred, the archer plowed on ahead. “Did any of you guys watch the movie Sing?”

Peter jumped up. “I love that movie!” he squeaked, then paused as the realization dawned. The teenager turned to look at Natasha with a shocked look on his face. “Were you- were you Ash?”

“Yes, she was!” Clint cut in gleefully. 

“OhmyGOD I loved Ash!” Peter yelled. “She was my favorite character!”

“Sorry, slow down, care to explain, Legolas?” Tony asked. The rest of the Avengers made sounds of agreement, clearly also confused.

“Sing is an animated movie about a bunch of animals in a singing competition and one of the main characters is this moody porcupine named Ash and- owww!”

Clint yelped as Natahsa shocked him, but the damage was already done.

“Sorry, I must have heard you wrong, because there’s no way in hell that the Natasha I know would willingly be cast as a singing, moody porcupine,” Tony said skeptically. 

“Hey, don’t do Ash like that!” Peter protested. “She’s so cool! Her boyfriend is a complete JERK, she  _ totally _ has the right to be mad!”

Natasha sighed. Well, the secret was out. “Yes, I did play Ash,” she said smoothly. “I had to go undercover. It’s no big deal.”

“Okay, we’re watching this movie,” Tony announced. Natasha didn’t even bother protesting, and the Avengers spent the rest of the night watching Sing together. 

After the movie ended, the team sat there in silence.

“Yeah, Ash was the best character,” Tony admitted. The rest of the team voiced their agreements (except for Steve, who argued that Meena, the elephant, was superior. The team ignored him). 

“I told you so!” Peter said. 

She would never admit to it, but Peter swore he saw a relieved smile cross Nat’s face when the team agreed with Peter. 

Of course, Natasha was still going to murder Clint for exposing her. 

* * *

**Completely Unrelated Bonus Scene that Will Be Important Later in the Series:**

Later that night, Peter was absentmindedly doodling ideas for an improved web-shooter (his current one would stick every once in a while) when his phone buzzed.

_ Direct Message (thwipthwip and guyinthechair) 11:07 PM _

**guyinthechair:** hey peter 

**guyinthechair:** look at what i did for my photoshop assignment

**guyinthechair:** image.scrawny-peter

**guyinthechair:** look i photoshopped out ur abs 

**thwipthwip:** why do i look anorexic 

**guyinthechair:** idk i thought itd be better than making u obese

**thwipthwip:** …

**thwipthwip:** fair enough

**thwipthwip** : thats actually weirdly convincing 

**guyinthechair** : ikr thank u thank u

Seven minutes later, Betty Brant jolted upright in her seat. “Oh my God,” she breathed. “I  _ knew _ we were imagining it!”

The screen in front of her displayed a picture of Ned and Peter at the beach (taken from Ned’s Instagram, both of them shirtless. And instead of having his ridiculously sculpted, rock-hard abs, Peter was so scrawny he looked anorexic. A moment later, Betty’s phone vibrated.

_ Direct Message (bettyschmetty and cindymoon) 11:14 PM _

**cindymoon:** betty ! what the hell i thought u said peter had abs wtf wtf 

**bettyschmetty:** i swear cindy i swear on my LIFE that boy had abs 

**bettyschmetty:** maybe its an old pic?

**cindymoon:** no i checked it was taken after the team went to the beach

**cindymoon:** still mad i missed that tho :/

**bettyschmetty:** i- 

**bettyschmetty:** i guess we were imagining it 

**cindymoon:** damn i really had hoped

Betty sighed. She’d hoped to. But honestly, she wasn’t surprised. Peter was cute and sweet in a geeky sort of way, not in a… secretly ripped way. 

While Betty and Cindy were disappointed, Flash was rejoicing. “I knew it!” he yelled. “I knew Penis Parker wasn’t ripped!” 

**To be continued later in the series...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Be a dear and hit that kudos button and leave a comment :)
> 
> For my Peter Parker One-Shot fic (Peter Parker's Crazy Life (one-shot request fic)) I'm working on a fic that, um, is ending up being like a two-or-three shot because I have no self control and I'd love if you guys would read it and let me know what you think! I've already posted one finished one-shot (where Peter and May keep on running into the Avengers while they're shopping. It's pretty funny in my opinion and involves Bucky adopting a dog and Clint talking too much about Peter's ass). The one(three)-shot after that is a fic where Peter has a stalker. It's kinda intense and THERE WILL BE WHUMP but I'd really appreciate it if people would read the chapter I've posted!
> 
> Thanks again! Love you all!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a kudos if you enjoyed :)
> 
> Also, if anybody has a Peter Parker oneshot request, comment and let me know! I'm hoping to start a oneshot request fic, and I'd love my first request so I could get started :)


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